


The Darkness of Dreams

by Daydreamer



Series: The Healing Of Hearts [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Dreams, M/M, Medical, Nightmares, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 04:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/606045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daydreamer/pseuds/Daydreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke is haunted by nightmares of losing Naruto. Coming to grips with Naruto's illness is proving more difficult than he could have imagined. Set in the Healing of Hearts Universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Darkness of Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> This is set sometime about midway through "The Gift." It's set at a low point for Sasuke when his confidence in the idea Naruto will get a heart wanes as Naruto's health begins to take a more obvious lag. Written on request for kellerkind on Ygal

_The biting wind tore through the thin material of his clothes as if they were not there. It was dark, like the sun had set, but the moon had yet to rise and illuminate the world in its pale glow. His feet shuffled and stumbled as he walked through the cloying darkness. His hands trembled and were shoved into the pockets of his pants to find some elusive trace of warmth._

_Through all this, some feeling of impending dread worked through him. It felt as if nothing in the world would be right again._

_Even through the darkness, he walked a set path. No matter what direction he turned, the barely visible path was always there and his feet followed it without fail. He was being drawn somewhere._

_With each step, a sense of dread poured upon thicker and thicker upon him. He could not name the fear, but he was nearly drowning in it. Something inside him coiled into increasingly tighter knots. Where was he being led? What was he searching for?_

_When he thought he would be unable to take another moment of this unnamed fear, the space around him began to lighten. He began to barely make out stones around him. They were fuzzy, or perhaps it was his eyes that were having trouble seeing. He was unable to stop moving, even though curiosity at his surroundings twinkled in the back of his mind._

_But, it did not overwrite the fear. That was still there and growing exponentially with each passing second._

_The feel of grass beneath his feet and the growing clarity of his surroundings confused him. Still his legs carried him until he stood before a shadowed stone._

_As if light was suddenly allowed in its full magnificence, the sun rose in the horizon. Rays of light shot over the tree line that had suddenly appeared in the distance and the surrounding area lightened as if a switch had been flipped._

_And the reason for his fear was suddenly obvious._

_Before him sat a beautifully designed tombstone, elegant designs swirling on the black marble. It was not the fact he was viewing a tombstone that destroyed him, but the name engraved on the stone._

_Naruto Uzumaki-beloved partner and friend._

_Sasuke's knees gave out beneath him and he lips parted in a voiceless scream. Why? He was supposed to get a heart? Why hadn't a heart come? With all his money, why was Naruto left to die and leave him alone to mourn?_

_His hands tore at his hair, ripping and jerking at it. He looked to be insane and deranged. How would he go on living without him? They hadn't had enough time._

_His hands shook and he suddenly realized that his hands cradled a gun. Without thinking, or perhaps it was with perfect thought, he lifted the barrel to his mouth. He could not live without Naruto, so why bother to hold up the ruse? A bullet to the brain would ensure no mistakes were made. He would never have Naruto walk that path alone and needed to join him upon it._

_His finger trembled and he hesitated for only a moment before squeezing the trigger._

_And the world went dark._

Sasuke jerked awake, his body shaking with such force that he was causing the bed to tremble. Without even thinking, he reached across to the lump curled beneath the covers.

Naruto groaned and shifted in his sleep, turning to face Sasuke. His nose wrinkled for a moment before relaxing once more into sleep.

Sweat covered Sasuke's body and the touch of Naruto's skin was the only thing keeping him from completely losing his mind. For a long minute he lay with his arms wrapped around Naruto to the point he was almost afraid his shaking would wake him.

Taking a few deep and calming breaths, he carefully extracted himself from the bed and walked on shaky legs to the bathroom. He stared at his face in the reflection and for a moment, the images of the dream returned to him, so vivid he could recall the feel of grass beneath his feet and the touch of icy wind through the small barrier of his clothes.

The most vivid image being that of Naruto's name carved into the marble stone.

Fear stuck in his throat and he had to dive for the toilet. Bile rose in his throat and spilled over as his body was rocked with the spasms currently causing his stomach to release its contents. The duration felt like hours but was likely less than twenty seconds of vomiting.

He shuddered through the tears and snot, bile continuing to burn his throat long after he finished heaving. Suddenly he felt the touch of cool hands on his brow and looked up just in time to see Naruto's pale face above him. Just seeing him with that ever increasingly pasty skin forced Sasuke to fight against doubling over the toilet once more.

Naruto frowned and his hands stroked through Sasuke's hair. "Are you alright?"

Sasuke gaped and struggled to compose himself by pulling himself to his feet and splashing water from the sink onto his flushed cheeks. He felt Naruto's gaze on him, but could not answer him. No, he was not alright. Since Itachi had put Naruto's name into the UNOS database, he had been plagued by dreams. Each night they grew progressively worse until he felt as if he was going insane. Each night he saw varying scenes of Naruto's death from him dying waiting for a heart to him dying on the operating table. They continued to progress to the funeral and then the graveside. Each night was different and haunted him with scenes of his own pain multiplied beyond measure. Life without Naruto...he could not even consider it.

He was losing his certainty in their life together being a long one. He was losing his belief in Naruto receiving a heart.

"Just a virus."

Naruto frowned at Sasuke and cocked his head. "Maybe you should go see Itachi tomorrow."

"He's a cardiologist."

Naruto scoffed and poked Sasuke in the ribs. "He's still a doctor, asshole."

Sasuke scoffed and leaned his head against the mirror. "I'm fine, Naruto. I'll sleep in tomorrow and be better in a day or so."

"No you won't," said Naruto with a grunt. "I've never seen anyone so anal about being out of bed by seven. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were in the army at some point."

"I grew up in Fugaku Uchiha's household. We did not have the pleasure of sleeping in."

"All the more reason to do it now. Come on, we can sleep til noon and then order some pizza and veg out in front of the tv."

"You're delusional if you think I'm letting you anywhere near a pizza." Sasuke took a mouthful of mouthwash and began swishing it in hopes of dispelling the taste of vomit from his palate.

Naruto's lower lip jutted out. "You're killing me, Sasuke. A man can't live on steamed veggies and sodium free food."

Sasuke spat out the burning mouthwash and snorted. "Yes, he can. Just be glad I didn't make you go vegan. I could have shaved some more sodium from your diet if that was the case."

"You're a cruel man." Naruto gave a huff and turned to leave the bathroom. "A cruel, cruel man."

Sasuke watched him go and sighed. He turned to face the mirror and glared at the man who stared back at him. Deep shadows lined his eyes and his cheekbones were slightly sharper than before. Eating had been difficult lately. He would have to watch it from now on or Naruto would suspect something.

Closing his eyes, he took another breath. Would he survive this? Was this pain worth it? He lifted his hands and stared at them, gaze following the path of veins hidden just beneath the skin. For a split second he recalled the blissful nothingness before he awoke from his dream. Was that what death felt like? Nothing?

The sudden thought of killing himself had him stumbling away from the sink. Where were these thoughts coming from?

"Get your fucking shit together," he muttered to himself before exiting the bathroom and seeing Naruto curled up in their bed.

He smiled and curled his body against him, taking shelter in his arms and laying his head on Naruto's chest in a familiar position. He listened carefully to the uneven and slightly thready sound of the heartbeat in his ear. Every so often the rhythm would change, a sign that the pace maker was kicking in. It happened more and more often of late.

"I'm serious, Sasuke. You should go see Itachi. He'll give you a magic pill and make you all better."

"You make him sound like a drug dealer." Sasuke lifted his head and stared at Naruto. "And I don't need him to tell me I have a virus that will probably have run its course come morning."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "You're worse than a kid."

"That is the pot calling the kettle black."

Naruto sighed dramatically. "Seriously? Where do they that get that from? I mean...we have a red kettle on the stove and all the pots are copper. I don't think we have one appliance that is black other than the coffee pot. I just don't get it."

Sasuke stared up at Naruto before bursting out with a choked laugh. "Do you even realize how absolutely ridiculous you sound?"

"It got you laughing, didn't it?"

Sasuke stared at Naruto before chuckling again. "I suppose it did."

"Then my work is done."

"And what work is that?"

"Making you happy," stated Naruto.

Sasuke snickered against Naruto's chest. "Is that all?"

"Isn't that enough?"

Sasuke wanted to say yes, it was enough, but it would be a lie. He did not want to be happy if that happiness was shadowed by the looming threat of Naruto's death. A taint on their happiness was still a taint.

He remained silent, feeling Naruto drifting back to sleep while he remained awake. Sleep frightened him because he knew what it would bring. Visions of Naruto's death, and his own. If there was one thing he knew, it was that he would not survive Naruto. In an obituary, they always listed 'survivors' of the deceased. He would not be listed there.

Naruto's death would be his own.

oOo

Sasuke sat mutely in the waiting room at Itachi's office. He watched the receptionist, Hinata, sending doe eyes in his brother's direction every time he passed by her desk. He would have had to be blind to miss it, as was obvious his brother was. Itachi did not give her the slightest attention, which was so like him.

He was tempted to tell her to give up on his brother and turn her eyes elsewhere. It would be the polite thing to do seeing as he knew Itachi would never stay with a woman for longer than a few weeks before turning his attention elsewhere. Sasuke knew because he was the exact same before Naruto came into his life. But, he figured she and his brother were adults. They would work through whatever it was that was between them without him interfering. He was too distracted to have any inclination to bother, anyway.

"Hey, you're staring off into space."

Sasuke glared at Naruto when an elbow was ground into his ribcage. "I was just pitying that woman for having feelings for my brother. You know how much of an asshole he is."

"Yeah, he is an asshole, but if Hinata can live with looking on from the outside in, then why deny her it. Itachi might change after all."

A snorted laugh was ripped from Sasuke. "And if I look out that window, I'll see pigs flying by with cute little angel wings and bright rainbow colored bows."

Naruto grinned deviously. "You just might. It could happen."

"Maybe if I take a hit of acid."

"Excuse me."

Both turned to see Hinata standing nearby with a dark red blush staining her cheeks. "Dr. Uchiha will see you now, Naruto."

Naruto opened his mouth, but Hinata raised her hand. "Go on back, Naruto."

He nodded slowly, but Sasuke could still see the pity spread across Naruto's face. He knew as well as him that Itachi would never be what Hinata wanted or needed.

Sasuke looked over the woman with a sense of pity. As far as women went she was attractive enough with a curvaceous figure and cute face. He was actually surprised that Itachi hadn't hit that. Then again, he probably had and left her mooning over him all the more.

"Mr. Uchiha."

He watched the woman shifted slightly in her sensible shoes after Naruto had moved into the back for his meeting with Itachi. "What is it?"

"I know I'm not really pretty, not like what Dr. Uchiha likes, but I would appreciate if you did not speculate about my personal life, regardless of whether it involves Dr. Uchiha or not. Just because I'm invisible to him doesn't mean that he's not worth my time. I don't expect him to look at me that way, but that doesn't stop me from feeling what I feel."

Sasuke arched his brow. The girl was pluckier than he gave her credit for. He inclined his head in apology. "I'm sorry."

Hinata shifted for a moment before nodding and going back to her work on the computer. He watched her work and smirked. Maybe once Itachi pulled his head out of his ass, he would see the little dove for what she was and stop chasing after the peacocks. If he did not, it was Itachi's loss.

Closing his eyes, he leaned his head against the wall and sighed. The lack of sleep was starting to drive him a little insane. He was exhausted all the time, but just the thought of dreams kept him from sleeping, even during the day. It was starting to interfere with his work as well. His publisher was on his ass about his next manuscript and he could not focus for longer than a few seconds. The number of run-on sentences in his writing was beginning to reach the point of ridiculous.

Thumping his head lightly against the wall, he settled down in the plush chair and let his mind roam. He had heard that meditation was capable of providing rest without actually sleeping. Maybe he would try that sometime.

As he thought over the benefits of attempting it, his lack of sleep caught up with him. Before he realized it, his mind was letting go of consciousness and he was drifting on a sea of black.

oOo

_"Wow, it's so pretty."_

_Sasuke stared at Naruto's back as he stood on the shore of the beach. The waves of the ocean washed over his feet and dampened his shins with splashes. In the Caribbean sunset, Naruto was so beautiful. He thought mildly that Naruto would probably beat his ass for thinking of him as beautiful, but it was the truth. Handsome. Beautiful. It was all the same._

_"I'm glad you like it. I always wanted to bring you here."_

_Naruto continued on as if he had not heard Sasuke. "I'm sorry I won't get to see it with you."_

_"What?" Confusion spilled through him. Was Naruto blind? He was standing right there with him._

_"But you'll go for the both of us, won't you?"_

_Sasuke shook away the foreboding thought and took a step forward to touch Naruto, only to have the body standing before him fade instantly at his touch. The wind picked up and Sasuke turned around in a quick circle. Where had he gone?_

_"Naruto?"_

_He began running down the beach, calling out for Naruto. The further he ran, the more the sand seemed to pull at his feet. It was like running through quicksand instead of the hard-packed beach sand. With each passing moment, his panic rose in timbre. He had to find Naruto._

_When the beach seemed to become endless and fighting to run futile, he saw a figure standing before him. It wasn't Naruto, but Itachi was the next best thing. "Itachi, have you seen Naruto? I can't find him."_

_Dark eyes shifted from the setting sun to Sasuke. It was surprising because he had never seen such sadness in the dark depths of his brother's eyes, not even when they watched their parents being lowered into the ground. "Itachi, where's Naruto?"_

_Itachi stared at him silently for several moments before shifting his gaze away and pointing a finger inland. Sasuke followed his gaze and saw a path...one that was far too familiar._

_Again his legs began moving on their own as he walked up the path and found himself staring at the tombstone that had become engraved into his mind. Just as before, Naruto's name was etched on the stone and the tears began to run down his face. He screamed out again and again._

A hand touched his shoulder and he jerked awake, the scream still on his lips. He looked around startled to find Naruto and Itachi standing before him, each wearing pale faces. Without wasting a moment, he jumped to his feet and pulled Naruto into his arms. Just feeling him was a balm against the nightmare. It had felt so real. The loss had felt so real.

"Sasuke, what's wrong?"

Sasuke shook his head and continued to hold Naruto tightly against him. Words were lost to him. His arms tightened and he shuddered against the chill that seemed to have taken root inside his core.

"Geez, Sasuke, you're going to squeeze me to death."

The words tolled in him and he jumped back as if bitten. "Don't say that."

Itachi cleared his throat faintly and placed a hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "If you don't mind, I'd like a word with you. Do you mind waiting out here, Naruto?"

"Sure." Naruto looked as if he wanted to argue but held his tongue. "Just don't take too long. Sasuke and I have a date with a movie."

Itachi gave a small tug at Sasuke's arm. "It won't take long. I promise."

Sasuke glanced at his brother but did not fight him as he led him into his office. It was hard to miss the concern on Itachi's stoic face as they entered his posh private office. "What do you need, Itachi?"

"I don't think it's me that needs something." Itachi released Sasuke's arm and walked calmly to his desk before sitting on the edge and turning an intense gaze on him. "It wasn't me that started screaming in the waiting room. I think you nearly gave all of us heart attacks, especially Naruto. I don't think I've ever seen him move that fast when we heard you screaming."

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Sasuke shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "I fell asleep. It was just a nightmare."

"That sounded more like a night terror. How have you been sleeping, and don't bullshit me. I'm not blind or dumb, unlike your significant other."

"Don't call Naruto dumb," snapped Sasuke.

"Don't change the subject." Itachi folded his arms across his chest and waited as if he had all the time in the world. It was disconcerting how easily Itachi hid his obvious impatience.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and moved to leave the office. "I'm leaving."

Itachi moved fast, faster than he expected and he was twisted to face his brother. "Stop being difficult. You're hurting all of us by not talking, including Naruto."

A pang of hurt rose in his chest at the thought of hurting Naruto, but what the hell did Itachi want? It was bad enough that stress and worry were eating away at him, and now he had to deal with Itachi poking his nose into his business.

"Don't close up on me, Sasuke." Itachi forced Sasuke to look at him. "You better be straight with me or I'll beat the shit out of you."

"As if."

"Don't think because you're not twelve anymore that I can't beat some sense in you. Tell me what's wrong."

Something in Sasuke snapped, like a dam finally reaching the point where it could hold no more. Small bits had been leaking out for weeks, but now they were starting to overflow. The sicker Naruto became, the more that spilled over. He wanted to scream it at the top of his lungs.

"Tell me, Sasuke."

Sasuke shook his head and pressed a palm to his brow. He needed to calm himself before he broke down. Itachi did not need to see him like that.

"Something is wrong."

Why did Itachi have to push? He was already at the last strands of his rope.

"Sasuke—"

"Naruto's dying!" shouted Sasuke. "He's fucking dying."

Itachi blinked slowly. "We're all dying."

"Don't spout that crap at me, you asshole. There is a difference in dying at ninety and dying at twenty-six."

"He's on the UNOS list. His blood type isn't extremely rare and he's relatively healthy minus needing a heart. Once one comes in..."

Sasuke clenched his hands into fists to keep from slugging his brother. "Once one comes in? A heart is not going to come in. Do you know what I dream, Itachi? I dream about him lying dead before me every time I close my eyes. I can't sleep without being haunted by his ghost and he isn't fucking dead yet. Was that what you wanted to hear?"

Itachi sighed heavily. "Have you talked about this with Naruto?"

"No."

"Why not?"

He paused and considered his answer before speaking. "I just don't want to talk about him dying. He's too relaxed. I think..."

How could he express to Itachi that he thought Naruto had accepted his impending death? They had never really talked seriously about death and Sasuke was not about to start, but something about Naruto worried him. He could not put his finger on it, not really, but he felt it. How could he have hope for their future when Naruto seemed to have given up?

"Listen to me, Sasuke." Itachi placed his palms on Sasuke's cheeks. "I have no plans of letting Naruto die, regardless of whether he is ready for it or not. The mental health of both of you is just as important as the physical. You have to give him a reason to fight and hold on for as long as possible. The truth is, the sicker he is, the further up the list he is moved and the smaller the recipient pool becomes. If he has a reason to keep fighting, then he'll hold on for as long as possible. If you're both focused on his death, then..."

"I was so certain when you first put his name into UNOS. I would tell him time and time again that a heart would come in. Now I'm not so sure anymore."

"You have to be sure, Sasuke. You have to believe it with every fiber of your being, because you are what is going to keep him grounded. When things get bad, really bad, he's going to need you to be his anchor to this world."

Sasuke swallowed thickly and leaned his head against Itachi's chest. "I can't live without him, Tachi."

He felt Itachi go very still next to him. "What do you mean?"

Shaking his head, he pulled away. Itachi was worried enough. He had seen how close he and Naruto had become. They had a much deeper relationship than doctor patient. He supposed he should be grateful. Itachi's approval was always the hardest thing to receive. "Nothing."

"Sasuke, don't lie to me."

"I'm not." Sasuke tunneled his fingers through his hair. "I'll take your advice. I'll give him a reason to live."

Itachi looked unconvinced. "Fine. Call me if something happens."

Sasuke nodded and turned to leave. He was not lying. He would give Naruto a reason to hold on, but if the worst happened, he was not afraid of what he would do. The dreams only proved it to him. He could not live without Naruto.

oOo

That night as they lay in bed, Sasuke curled his body tightly against Naruto and pressed his ear to his chest. His heart, weak and uneven, was something he loved about Naruto. Each beat was proof he was still alive.

"Why do you always listen to my heart?"

Sasuke smiled and pressed a kiss to Naruto's chest directly above the weak organ. "Because I'm in love with your heart."

"And here I thought you loved me for my witty rhetoric."

"I tolerate your not-so-witty rhetoric."

Naruto groaned and flailed back against the bed. "Why did I fall for you? You don't appreciate my mind. You tease me horribly at every turn. You won't let me eat greasy food."

Sasuke lifted his head and smirked at Naruto. "You couldn't help but fall for me."

"Oh, ho! Arrogant much?"

"You say that like it is a bad thing."

"God...Itachi has ruined you. There is no going back."

Sasuke chuckled and leaned up to rub their noses together in an Eskimo kiss. "Would you have me any other way?"

"Not on your life."

"Then why are you complaining?"

"Because it's fun."

Sasuke snorted and lowered his head once more to Naruto's chest. He could smell the musky scent that followed Naruto wherever he went. Naruto always smelled like a spicy mixture of cologne and natural musk. It made Sasuke want to jump him all the time, ill or not.

"Hey, Sasuke, what did you and my dick-head doctor talk about?"

"Nothing. He just gave me some advice to help me sleep better." Which was the truth. The outcome of their discussion might not have been directly related to his nightmares, but the root of his problem was his fear. Letting go of that fear was all he could do.

"And we talked about your new heart and the measures that would need to be taken once you receive it."

"Don't you mean, if I receive it?"

Sasuke sat up grabbed Naruto's hands, pushing them over his head and holding him bound. "I'm not going to take any more of this shit from you. That heart will be yours. We're going to get through this together and then we're going on that trip to the Caribbean I promised you."

"You're pretty confident for an author of boring ass shit."

He rolled his eyes and squeezed Naruto's wrists. "Why do I put up with you?"

"Because you love me?"

Sasuke smiled and nodded. "Yeah."

Naruto relaxed against him and Sasuke released his wrists and leaned pressed their lips together in a slow kiss. Something inside him relaxed, like slack being given to a taut rope.

As they parted, Naruto stared deeply into Sasuke's eyes. "This means no more bad dreams."

"You knew about the nightmares?"

"Kinda hard not to when you wake up either screaming or in a cold sweat." Naruto flushed and turned his gaze. "I'm sorry that you're worried."

"I'm not anymore." His arms tightened around Naruto. "You're going to get a heart and we'll finally have all the time in the world to do whatever we want."

"You sound certain."

"I am. You're not going anywhere for a long time, so stop acting like you are living on borrowed time. You're going to have to put up with me for a very long time."

Naruto relaxed and grinned at him. "Arrogant prick."

"It's not a bad thing." Sasuke sighed and closed his eyes. There would be no more nightmares. Itachi was right, he needed to focus on Naruto and now worry about the future. All his options were the same. He was staying with Naruto regardless of the outcome. He was fine with it because he loved Naruto. That was enough.

The end.


End file.
